Family+Reunion

Family Reunion

__**Cast**__

Hades: The oldest of the three brothers, and the only one with even a remotely human sense of morality. Also only brother who's okay with how things have turned out, as he no longer has to worry about ruling over the dead. True to his former status as God of the Dead **and** Riches, Hades has managed to stay comfortably wealthy since the fall of Rome. Loves his brothers, but having spent centuries taking care of the people who's lives they casually wrecked has taxed his ability to humor them. Overall, of the Big Three, he's the only one who's adjusted well to the modern, mortal-run world, though he's a little bitter about his treatment by Hollywood and his planet's demotion.

Poseidon: In these modern times, Poseidon works as an oceanographer. The most politically active of the brothers, Poseidon is very, very angry about what the mortals have done to "his" oceans. Is still fond of starting off the occasional natural disaster, though he can't cause as much mass destruction as he used to. Brags about having sunk the Titanic, claiming it makes him responsible for Leonardo DiCaprio's career.

Zeus: Former King of the Gods. Hasn't adapted well to his loss of power, spending most of his time reminiscing on the Good Old Days. Stuck living in a trailer park after Hera, who got caught up in the feminist movement of the Sixties, divorced him and took everything he owned. Time's have not been good to Zeus, who hasn't quite managed to understand that he isn't the King anymore and that he can't do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. He's like an aged frat boy, unwilling to let go of his glory days, convinced the entire world owes him something, and has truly horrifying views in regards to women. In short, he's a shmuck.

Family Reunion

//Three gods walk into a bar. Zeus is in front, striding into the place like a F-List Celebrity hoping to be recognized, equal parts egomania and insecurity. He can't keep himself from looking around the room to see if anyone is impressed and visibly deflated when no one even notices his arrival. Poseidon comes in after him, looking bored and slightly disgusted by all the mortals around him. His nose wrinkles as he walks in, but he doesn't say anything about the smell. Hades trails behind them. The Former King of the Dead looks like he's preparing himself for a miserable time, already rubbing his forehead and gripping the bridge of his nose in readiness for whatever awful behavior his brothers indulge in.// //The three brothers head right to the bar, with Hades making a gesture to the bartender, ordering a shot for each of them. The bartender pours the drinks, which are quickly knocked back by the gods, who haven't spoken a word yet. They each set their glasses down except for Zeus, who looks at the empty shot glass as if it had failed him somehow. He looks wistfully disappointed.//

Zeus: Not as good as Nectar.

Hades: It never is Zeus. Never is. So, how've you guys been? Been ten years since we had a reunion. Poseidon: The damn mortals keep dumping crap into the oceans. // My // oceans. My fish, my birds, my water, all covered in black goop. That's how I've been. One of these days, I'm just going to throw a nice oceanic storm or something at one of those oil tankers, sink it like the Titanic. Show what happens to those who mess with a god's property.

Hades: Uh, Poseidon, you do realize that would just- Poseidon // interrupting with a thoughtful expression on his face // : Though on the other hand, they did release those Percy Jackson books. All about some demigod I spawned. Nice to see one of mine in the spotlight. Makes up for a lot of it.

Zeus: Bah. The name Percy comes from Perseus, who was one of mine. If the writer had any idea what he was writing about, it would be my kid, my book.

Poseidon: Go to hell, Zeus. You get most of the attention anyway! You got Clash of the Titans and Hercules, both the Disney one and that TV show. Stop whining. Hades: Guys, are we really going to do this ag-

Zeus // interrupting // : Whining? How dare you! Look at the casting for the movie! Who played me? Sean Bean. Who played you? That Scottish guy from Gray's Anatomy. Who do you think had more of an impact on the story?

Poseidon: Come on, you're going to argue with me on this? You've already got more than enough films featuring one of your brats in the lead, and now you're complaining because I got one? You were played by Liam Neeson in Clash of the Titans, Rip Torn in that Disney film, and you got six seasons out of that live action Hercules TV show. Aren't you satisfied? Zeus: No! I am not satisfied with just Liam Neeson, and Kevin Sorbo! I'm the Lord of Olympus, the God of Lightning. I was feared and respected by all! Giants, Titans, mortals, they all quivered at my approach. Where is that respect now? All gone. Hades // trying to defuse the argument // : Guys, guys, come on. We don't see each other enough to begin with, lets not spoil it. We've all been screwed over by Hollywood. You think the guy from Gray's Anatomy is bad? In the Percy Jackson thing, I'm played by the man responsible for Hamlet 2. Hamlet 2. And in the Disney movie, I was voiced by James Woods, who played me like an evil used car salesman. With fire instead of hair. My wife still hasn't let me live that one down. So instead of whining ( // glaring at Zeus. // don't give me that look Zeus you know you were) about the lack of respect we get from the entertainment industry, how about we have a toast, have a drink, and move on. // Signals for the bartender to pour another round of shots. //

Poseidon // shrugging // : Yeah, okay Hades. Besides, no matter what he says, the books still about my kid.

Zeus // sulkily // : Your fictional kid. // Hades hands out the drinks and raises his glass for a toast. //

Hades: Hollywood sucks.

Poseidon, Zeus: Hollywood sucks.

// They all down the shots //.

Hades: See, not that hard to get along. Just need a common enemy. So how are you doing Zeus? Didn't get a chance to hear from you before.

Zeus // still sulking // : How do you think I'm doing, Hades? I used to live atop Mount Olympus and feast daily upon Nectar and Ambrosia and now, I live in a trailer, and I feast daily upon TV dinners and Carling Black Label. That unfaithful cow, Hera took all of my money, my company, left me with nothing. I should have cast Artemis out before she infected my wife with..."feminism".

Poseidon // smirking // : It was the Sixties, brother. And as I recall Hera wasn't the only one who came out of that decade with an infection.

// Hades grips the bridge of his nose and winces, while Zeus, in an uncharacteristic show of self control, pretends he didn't here Poseidon. //

Zeus: So in answer to your question Hades, no, I am not doing well. I haven't been well since that traitor Constantine abandoned me. // pause //. Us.

Hades : It's not that bad, Zeus. You're just going through a rough patch. Everyone, even gods, have them. And as for Hera, well you're better off. Remember how she used to henpeck and nag you? Who knows, maybe she'll see reason and return to you. Goddesses are complicated, brother.

Poseidon: Says the man who won his wife with pomegranate seeds.

Hades: I didn't win her with the seeds. We agreed to use the pomegranate seeds so that her domineering, estrogen hurricane mother wouldn't be able to just hold the world hostage to get her back. And even after that I still have to share my wife with that psychotic bat for half the year. // Pointed look towards Zeus. //

Zeus // embarrassed // : There wasn't anything I could do about that. Demeter was throwing a tantrum, threatened to kill all of the mortals unless she got her daughter back. What was I supposed to do? Just be grateful I was able to negotiate the half the year deal.

Hades: You didn't give me the half a year thing. You gave that to Demeter, even though Persephone's eating of the seeds made her my subject by right. Instead of backing up my right as ruler of the Underworld, a job you foisted on me, you backed up Demeter.

Zeus: She was going to kill the mortals if I didn't... Hades // getting annoyed // : Zeus, you've never given a crap about the lives of mortals. Demeter was threatening to kill the worshipers you needed for power, and you didn't have the nerve to tell her where she could stuff her control freak obsessions.

Zeus: Lies! I have always done what was right for my people! I served my people with all the wisdom and compassion I had at my disposal! You're just still bitter over getting stuck with the Underworld, while I got the Heavens and Poseidon the Sea.

Hades: I'm not bitter over getting the Underworld. I didn't want it, but neither did I want Olympus or the Oceans. I just wanted to be free of Dad and the Titans, free to do as I damn well pleased. No, what I'm bitter about is the crap you two (hell, the entire family) did to the people who worshiped us.

Poseidon, Zeus // incredulous // : What did we do?

Hades // taking a deep breath // : Fine, Here we go. Let me list some names, see if they ring a bell. // Counting out on fingers. // Prometheus, Bellephron, Odysseus, Sisyphus, Atlas, Tantalus, oh and the entire population of Troy. Not to mention all of the women you hurt, Zeus.

Zeus: I have never hurt a woman!

Hades: What about the ones who said no?

Zeus: Ah, all that means is that they're playing hard to get. You just have to be persistent. No woman would really say no to the King of the Gods?

Hades // getting mad now // : Then what about Hera, Zeus? She told you no, she told the big, strong King of the Gods no and get the hell out. You were cheating on your wife with anything that had a pulse, and she finally realized that she shouldn't blame the women you either seduced or forced yourself on. She finally realized exactly what she'd married. You abused every relationship you had, betrayed every trust invested in you, and somehow had the nerve to act surprised when it all came crashing down in flames!

Poseidon // amused // : You tell him.

Hades // rounding off on Poseidon // : And you! You're just as bad as he is! He may have inflicted misery upon everyone he ever encountered, but he hasn't killed as many people as you have! You used to set off earthquakes because you were bored. You inflicted that Bull on the people of Crete, the one who ended up fathering the Minotaur! You even sank the Titanic! And why? Because they said it was unsinkable.

Poseidon: It was an insult! And don't act like you've never hurt a mortal before. Remember Orpheus, big brother? Hades: No, it was just them being proud of what they'd accomplished. And don't say that name again, Poseidon, or you'll regret it.

Zeus: Hubris. Which is a sin, Hades. You're the god of death, you should know that.

Hades // now very angry // : I'm the god of the Dead! The dead, you arrogant shmuck! Thanatos is the god of death! My job, was to take care of the poor souls you two casually slaughtered! And don't even say a word about Hubris, Zeus! If you're head doesn't implode from the hypocrisy of that, then there is no justice! Everything that's gone wrong for you has been your own fault!

// Silence. No one says anything for a couple seconds. Suddenly, Zeus cracks a grin and snickers. //

Hades // irritable and depressed over how the evening's gone // : What's so funny?

Zeus: I've never seen you blow up like that, Hades. Are you okay? Problems with Persephone, maybe?

Poseidon: It is getting pretty close to spring. Missing the wife already? C // huckle. //

// Hades stares at his two brothers for a moment, realizing that they didn't listen to a single word of what he'd just shouted. His hands clench and unclench, and he looks like he's trying to decide whether to murder his siblings or not. Finally with a long, weary sigh and shrug, as if to say "aw well, family" he nods at Poseidon. //

Hades // wearily // : Yeah, that's it. That's it exactly. I'm going to order another round. // Signals to barkeep. //

Poseidon: Yeah, you look a little stressed. Probably a good thing we had this get together when we did.

// Hades nods, sighs again. Zeus, suddenly serious reaches out and puts his hand on Hades' shoulder. //

Zeus: Hades, about what you said. I'm sorry.

Hades // hopeful // : For which part?

Zeus: Calling you the God of Death, of course. A stupid mistake, for which I'm truly sorry. Will never happen again brother.

Hades // keeping his cool // : What about the rest of what I said?

Zeus: Ah, you don't have to apologize for that. Everyone says things they don't mean when they're stressed. But that's the great thing about family, especially ours. We'll listen and not hold anything you say personally.

Hades: Very true...hey Barkeep. Mind making that last order a double?

END SCENE